On Turning Thirty

I won't quote the journey/ destination life quote until later...

My thirtieth birthday was over a month ago, and I'm still settling into it.  It is one of the "decade birthdays" so it's supposed to be a big deal.  The actual day was not a huge blow -out with all of my friends and family rocking all night.  I'm glad, because that's not my style.  It was a pretty normal day.  I got up, got the kids ready, went to school, and came home.  But, the aftermath of the actual day has been a little wobbly.

I feel like I am, officially, expected to be a grown -up. Mind you, this is coming from a guy who has been married for ten and a half years and has four children.  You would think I would be comfortable with a title like grown -up.  But, I'm not.  

Grown -ups are supposed to have their act together.  They are supposed to know what they want out of life.  Grown -ups are supposed to know how to change the oil in their cars, and teach their sons how to throw a ball.  Grown -ups wear khakis and loafers.  They say things like "What do you think about this weather?" and "Did you see that story on the news last night?"  They are supposed to be able to make decisions, balance budgets, and follow through on plans.  They are supposed to be, well, grown -up.

The problem is, I'm none of that.  I couldn't even pick out what kind of birthday cake I wanted.  Most of the time I feel like the same scared little boy I was twenty years ago, stepping up to the plate in little league baseball- unsure of myself and even the very rules of the game.

I'm not scared of actually becoming older.  Thirty doesn't feel much different than twenty -five.  I'm scared of becoming irrelevant.  I'm scared of being out of the loop, of being obsolete.   Grey hair doesn't scare me as much as not realizing that the only reason my son picked out a certain loaf of bread at the store, was because it had a picture of Wizards of Wavorly Place on it.

All this makes me wonder if I will ever, truly, be a grown -up.  And, maybe, that's okay.  Because if life is a journey and not a destination, then I'm going to be growing up for quite a while.


Special thanks to my amazing wife for growing up with me, and for making that special birthday cake.